The Madness Between

Well we survived the first birthday.  I was hoping to spend a little time writing about some of the ways in which we celebrated, grieved and honored our three precious boys during their birthday week – but it seems everyday my mind is taken a million different directions.  Tomorrow I will be checking off one final ‘first birthday bucket list item’ and I think then I’ll be ready to detail the enormous milestone.  In the meantime, I couldn’t wait one more second without sharing the following…

About two years ago, when I felt I had hit rock bottom with my fertility journey – I sought immediate support.  I have written many times about my therapist that I found right around this time – but I have yet to mention the other form of support I was introduced to that was equally life changing. Through the RESOLVE website (a national infertility organization) – I found a local support group that was being held in a nearby Panera, once a month.  I emailed the group’s host asking for more details, received a response that was full of compassion and empathy, and instantly I knew I had found the right group.   At the very first meeting, I found myself opening up to, crying with, and supporting a room filled with women who were all connected by the same exact heartache and longing.  We bounced ideas off each other, spoke the same ‘fertility’ language, and in between the tears – laughed about how crazy the hormones were making us.  The support group helped me in more ways than I expected – but most of all in that I met one of my very very closest friends.  Sara was the host (and actually the founder of the local group) of our meetings and we bonded instantly.  We both live in the same town, traveled similar paths on our journey to have children, and eventually shared the same doctor (who was successful in getting us BOTH pregnant).  When I found out I was pregnant with not one but three babies – Sara was one of the first to know.  After we found out we were losing the boys, Sara dropped off weekly meals for us.  She continually checked in and surprised me time and time again with her thoughtfulness and loyalty.  Our friendship is judgement-free, compassionate, understanding, honest, and incredibly special.

So I guess technically it should not have come as a huge surprise that she delivered a thoughtful gift in honor of the boys’ first birthday – but the gesture still overwhelms me to the point of tears.  The day after Tommy’s birthday party – we sat down and finally worked our way through the generous amount of gifts he received.  Sara’s gift was one of the last to be opened – and inside the gift bag, along with the adorable dinosaur-themed present – were two cards.  One for Tommy, and the other addressed to Oliver & Greyson.  Cue the instant tears.

I opened up the card to see this on the inside:

As Sara guessed – I was definitely confused for a second.  But after reading the letter she included, I was balling crying.

In honor of our two boys, Sara has decided to donate her very own wedding dress to a company called “Angel Babies”.  “Angel Babies” is an incredible organization that takes donated wedding dresses and turns them into small ‘angel gowns’ for babies who are born sleeping and do not make it home.  Ironically, my two sweet boys worn gowns that were from this exact company.  During one of my hospital stays, our bereavement coordinator came into our room with a few different gowns and explained that we had the option to pick out a special outfit that the boys would wear once they were born, during their baptism, and possibly to be buried in (or kept as a keepsake which is what we chose to do). I didn’t know much about the company at the time but when we were sent home from the hospital, I looked at the tag on the inside of the gown and it had both the company info as well as the babies name in which the dress was created in honor of.  It took my breath away.  I was so overwhelmed that some unknown person was willing to donate something so sacred and special to an unknown family so that we could dress our babies in the most beautiful gown during their very short time on Earth.  We chose two matching white satin gowns, with blue ribbon – and while Oliver and Greyson wore them for just a few short minutes, I now have a lifetime with the very gowns that touched their precious bodies.  The fact that Sara is now willing to do the same for so many other families out there is incredible in itself.  But the emotional part for me comes from knowing that just from her one dress, there will be 15 – 30 gowns made that have Ollie and Grey’s name attached to them.  Other angels will be wearing my boys’ names and that is the part of this gift that makes my heart pause.

How do you thank a friend for a gift like this?  I can only thank her, thank God, thank the universe so many times for putting her in my life.. and it still doesn’t feel enough.  We took some pictures this weekend of her beautiful daughter, Morgan, wearing Sara’s dress – because I wanted Sara and her daughter to have a keepsake of this single item that has and will touch so many lives.

I have also decided that I’m going to try to make this an annual tradition and I hope to be able to donate a dress to Angel Babies each year on the boys’ birthday.  Next year, I will donate my own wedding dress.  The following year, my older sister offered her dress.  The year after that, Laurie offered to donate hers.  I have been longing for a way to honor my angels on a yearly basis and this may be the most special way.

Thank you, Sara, again.  And again.  And again.

XOXO

-Sara