The Madness Between

I started seeing a therapist in January 2014 when I felt I had hit an all-time low during our fertility struggles.  I am probably the biggest fan of therapists.  I met with a therapist after our first miscarriage..  I met with a different one to work through some issues from my parents divorce.. and I’ve been meeting with one on a weekly basis for almost 2 years now.  I had no clue when I met Dr. N (I’m going to attempt to keep the professionals anonymous) that talking about my past losses, the failed IVF cycles, the anxiety / depression / worry I constantly felt would be the EASIEST conversations we would have.   She has been my rock through the hardest two years of my life and her advice has literally saved me.

A few months ago, she diagnosed me as having PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).   If you look at the definition, symptoms, diagnosis.. I was a clear case.   Because I had to carry all three of my babies until Tommy was strong enough to be born – I just had to survive.  Day by day, minute by minute – I was forced to focus on a goal of holding A SINGLE baby.   I had to do my best to ignore the fact that my two sons were dying inside of me.  I had to rub only the top left portion of my belly to feel Tommy kick and ignore the stillness of my dead sons that I carried for weeks.   I had to listen for Tommy’s cry during the delivery, and try my best not to hear the deafening silence of his brothers being born.  Survive.  Ignore.  Find the positive.  Just.Keep.Going.  It was a constant dialogue in my head.

Dr. N warned me that the numbness would subside and it would all hit me.  Hard.  And it did.  And it hasn’t stopped.   The nightmares, flashbacks, questioning, regrets.. it’s all here now and there are many days I would like to go back to survival mode.  Dr. N tells me I need to dig in deep and feel – even though ‘feeling it’ scares the hell out of me.  By really, truly feeling it – it becomes real.  And if it’s real, I have to accept it – which is even scarier.

So, here I go.  My long-overdue homework assignment from Dr. N is to write down my feelings, recount the memories, work through the trauma.  I figured there is no better time to start than on an enormously, heavy anniversary.  Tomorrow (11.24) will be the one year anniversary from when our lives changed forever and I’m daring myself to write about it – and remember every detail.

XO – Sara