When we first found out that we were losing Oliver and Greyson – I scoured the internet for people who walked a similar path and could give me advice on what was to come. As with all google searches – I found an equal mix of good and bad – some stories were horrific, others gave me false hope. I did not have a single friend who could relate to what I was going through and I held on dearly to the few strangers who were kind enough to share their experience with me. Since delivering our boys – I have been blessed to meet several other families who speak the same language. Not all of our stories are the exact same – but we carry a similar weight of grief and pain. And I’ve found myself gravitating specifically towards grieving mothers… whether it be someone I have met at the cemetery while visiting my own childrens’ grave or a friend of a friend of a friend who lost their child to cancer. My heart beats with sadness and compassion for each and every one of them and at the same time – whether they know it or not – they become a hero of mine. To watch a grieving mother continue to wake up each day, live, breathe, function, and thrive is one of the most awe-inspiring, powerful human acts to encounter. Today is National Bereaved Mother’s Day… purposely on the calendar one week ahead of traditional Mother’s Day… and on this day my mind is with so many of you. And one person in particular.
I met my sister’s friend Rachel a few years ago. We both stood up in Katie’s wedding so there were several events leading up to the big day that we were both at. Once my sister’s wedding was over – we didn’t have much reason to keep in touch and it wasn’t until a year later we connected over a new commonality. Rachel and her husband Frankie had been trying for several years to start a family and they were about to begin working with a reproductive specialist. Rachel, like myself, didn’t have many friends who had gone through fertility treatments, so we decided to meet for dinner and walk through the process. We bonded instantly and over the next few months – checked in with each other in hopes of positive cycle updates. Before long, I was pregnant with triplet boys and Rachel was pregnant with a healthy baby girl. Life became busy for both of us as we focused on our soon-to-be growing families and once my pregnancy took a turn for the worse, it was almost too painful to check-in. I needed a break from my pregnant friends and now wanted the support of fellow grieving ones.
Fast forward a few months later to April 30th, 2015 and I received a text message from my sister Katie with news that shattered my heart into pieces. Rachel had called her OB with concern over not feeling her daughter move around as much as usual and shorty after, an ultrasound confirmed that her beautiful angel had passed away. Rachel was within weeks of meeting her healthy baby girl, and was now faced with the most painful experience no mother deserves: delivering a baby she will not be able to take home. I told Katie to relay the message to Rachel that I was available if she wanted to talk as I felt uncomfortable reaching out directly in a moment of utter crisis. By that evening, Rachel and I were in conversation and I had assumed a new role. I was now walking my sweet friend through the process of delivering a ‘still born’. I gave her some advice on what to ask of the hospital staff, the option to have a chaplain present for baptism, to hold – love – kiss and spend as much time with her as possible and most importantly – I told her to take pictures. As odd / morbid / unnatural as it may sound to take pictures the day you deliver your sleeping baby – it is truly all you have left once you leave the hospital, empty armed. After our conversation ended, I walked downstairs and cried hysterically to Mac. I had just gone through this myself not even 3.5 months prior and now I was trying to coach someone else through it. I ached knowing what Rachel was going to experience in the next 24 hours and I was so angry that another mom would feel the pain I was still numb to. Before I went to bed that night, I reached out to Rachel and offered to be her photographer the next day and to help her memorialize her daughter. My amazing sister Katie offered to split the task with me as I wasn’t sure how long I would last – emotionally – and we teamed up in honor of our dear friends and sweet baby Sienna Francesca. I will never, for the rest of my life, forget Sienna. She was perfect in every single way – a full head of dark hair, the most beautiful lips – delicate fingers and toes. I called Mac the second I left the hospital room, sobbing in deep pain after watching a family broken over the loss of their baby girl – but all I could repeat over and over was “Mac – she was the closest thing I’ve ever seen to an angel. I feel like I was given the chance to witness a real life angel – the most peaceful, beautiful, perfect baby girl I have ever seen”.
Today is the one year anniversary of when Sienna was delivered – ironically, the same day as National Bereaved Mother’s Day. Two weeks ago I had the honor of photographing Rachel and Frankie’s newborn twin babies – Max and Tea – and my heart felt fuller than it has in a long time. Taking pictures and hearing laughter in a nursery that stood empty for way too long – staring at Tea’s little mouth that so closely resembles her big sisters – sparked a fire in my soul. I have always had a passion for photography and even more so for capturing emotion and unforgettable moments. But I feel more motivated than ever before and I have Rachel & Frankie to thank. Moving forward in my photography career – the focus will be on everything that’s written in this blog entry. The painful moments that you want to wish away. The joyful moments when you thank God for everything you’ve been blessed with. Life is sudden – unpredictable – good – bad – beautiful – ugly – and in honor of my own angels and blessings and sweet Sienna.. I hope to capture it all.
Happy Heavenly Birthday, Sienna. Double the love to your parents and all grieving mothers day. XO.
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The Madness Between 