How to heal a heart

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a long time now. It’s such an important part of my journey and one I want to never ever forget.. so this blog serves as the perfect method for memorializing these memories. And oddly enough – two very special people (unbeknownst to them) encouraged me to finally sit down and write this week.

I have been asked consistently for the past 4 years – “How can I help? What can I do? Do you need anything?”. I never once had an answer to those questions. Not when I was going through IVF and suffering the pain of unsuccessful cycles or miscarriages. Not when I was recovering from multiple surgeries. Not when I was on bed rest – at home or in the hospital. Not when we found out we were losing our twins. Not when our twins passed away. Not even today – almost 2 years later. I see a therapist weekly to try to figure out what I need – so it’s been sometimes impossible to offer suggestions to others.

But – over the past 4 years – my family and friends, and sometimes even strangers – have given me exactly what I needed, and more. We are continually surprised by the outpour of love and support, the thoughtful and the most simplistic ways to show they care. Gestures that I am forever grateful for – ones that seems to stitch up the hole in my heart, little by little.

These are the moments I don’t ever want to forget – but there have been so many, I fear that I will. So – I’m making a list of ways that we have been lifted up. This list can serve as a reminder for me of all the people who love and care for us – or maybe it can help someone else when they’re at a loss for what to do when someone’s in need.

Journeying Through IVF:

Going through any type of fertility treatment is physically, emotionally, mentally and financially exhausting. It’s isolating because many people do not understand the extent to what it involves. Sometimes not even your spouse because women bear the majority of the brunt in this area. But there are ways to show your support, concern, and love for someone so desperate to create a family of their own:

Ask how they’re doing and how they’re feeling. Study up on the process and the terminology that’s used with fertility treatments. Ask if the person would like you to come with for a consultation, a blood draw, a monitoring appointment. Ask if they need help with childcare if they have children already. IVF cycles require sometimes DAILY appointments – and a lot of clinics don’t let children attend these appointments due the sensitive nature / high emotions in the waiting room. Give your loved one a space to talk to you about their feelings and find out how you can help make their day-to-day easier.
Show support. One of the my favorite things I ever received during my cycles was a care package from my sister Steph with encouraging words / gifts. Her card told me how proud she was of me for chasing my dream and for my commitment to build a family. This was a rare sentiment… most of my family and friends were afraid to talk to me about the process or just felt sorry for me. While I accepted the sympathy / empathy – a vote of confidence felt really really good.
Pray for them. I’ve had family members send me all different types of rosary beads, bracelets, Patron Saint cards, or just simple texts telling me that they prayed for me during mass. My faith has been incredibly rocky over the years – so it felt like a relief to know others were praying for me when I couldn’t bring myself to.
Spend time together and DISTRACT them with fun, positive things. When you’re going through a cycle – you usually have 1 – 2 days of recovery from an embryo retrieval and 1 – 2 days of bed rest following the transfer. Then you have a painfully long 10 days of waiting to find out if you’re pregnant or not. Ask anyone who’s been through fertility treatment and you’ll hear right away that those 10 days are the hardest of the entire process. So – go visit your family / friend when they’re in recovery or on bed rest. Bring over a funny movie and have a girls’ night. Make them dinner – ask to go on a walk – drop off their favorite treat – text them some funny (not baby-related) memes. Do whatever you can to keep their brain in a happy place and not focused on the stress of their cycles. Trust me – it helps.

Home Bed Rest:

Long before we found out our twins were sick – we were prepared to be on bed rest. With a triplet pregnancy (even sometimes a twin pregnancy) – bed rest is pretty common. It prevents early labor, can help with pain, and in my case was necessary to keep my babies growing and thriving. Until I learned that our boys were dying – bed rest was one of my scariest stages. I have always been borderline hyper-active and try to cram in as many activities into one day as possible. I couldn’t stand the thought of changing my parenting style with Riley and not being able to go walk to the park, stop for ice cream, chase her around the zoo. But bed rest was inevitable and once we hit 20 weeks – it became the doctor’s order. These were a few things that made life easier while on bed rest at home (before and after we knew our babies were sick)

COMPANY! Leave your door unlocked and allow for visitors to walk right in. Make sure they text or call beforehand as to not interrupt a nap / bad time… but say yes to company. There were times I was feeling so down or had not showered or the house was a mess – and the thought of an aunt, friend, cousin stopping by seemed stressful. But the 20 minutes of conversation, the one-on-one attention they would give Riley – was always, always, always worth it. It’s refreshing – it’s distracting – and it’s even energy-wearing (which is a huge plus when you get sick of trying to sleep).
Meal trains & food drop off is the greatest invention to this planet. I had several friends and family members set up different meal trains and it saved our lives. I wasn’t allowed to stand in the kitchen and cook – and Mac would get home just in time for dinner so having a fully cooked meal right on our porch was priceless. Our old nanny / good friend Erin had the brilliant idea to put a cooler on our porch with a note to drop off inside. The meal train had specific instructions on when to drop off and to have it prepared and ready to eat. For months we ate like kings (and I actually miss majority of the meals). We had everything from lasagna to chili to enchiladas to roasted chicken to homemade soups to desserts galore. Some of our friends were so creative with their meals and would include an appetizer, some beer for Mac / sparkling wine for me, flowers, and special treats for Riley. I’ve had the honor (over the past year) of doing meal drop offs in return for some dear friends and if you’ve never done one – DO IT. It’s rewarding, heart-warming, and fun to both give and receive a meal. (My big triplet belly and my Aunt Patty’s famous baked french onion soup)
Keep us busy! Days blend into nights blend back into days when you’re on bed rest. Combine that with a devastating / scary pregnancy and you have the right combination to drive anyone into full depression and insanity. Even though we reached a point where my doctors appointments were absolutely gut-wrenching, I would look forward to them just because I was able to leave the house and get fresh air. So – be creative on how to keep life interesting while on the couch or in bed. My aunts were amazing at dropping off the BEST care packages full of slippers, new pajamas, robes, crayons and colored pencils, plenty of easy read (uplifting) books and magazines, and tons of crafts that I could do with Riley while still resting. This was so huge for me because I am an artist to the core and so is Riley.. and it’s what we do together. I missed being able to run to Hobby Lobby and create a new pinterest-work-of-art… so my aunts were amazing at filling this void. Riley and I made gingerbread houses, rings, friendship bracelets, and colored probably a trillion pictures. It not only kept me busy but it continued to solidify my bond with Riley during a very tumultuous time. For these short moments – I was still her normal mom and that was beyond healing for me (and possibly her too).
Care packages.. care package…oh how I miss those care packages. My sister, sister-in-laws, friends would send me the best bed rest packages. From make-up wipes to lotions to nail polish to my favorite candy… mail deliveries were the highlight of my day. Standing up in the shower long enough to wash my hair was at times horrifically painful – but I couldn’t stand laying in bed day after day without washing my hair, putting on new pajamas, feeling clean. So on those in between days – it was a miracle what a little nail polish would do for the spirit!
Help make the day-to-day stuff easier. We hired a cleaning lady that would come every week to do the cleaning that I could no longer do. We had family and friends who would help with laundry so that it didn’t all fall on Mac’s shoulders. We had a whole calendar running of who could take Riley to school, who could pick her up, who would stay and help me out around the house. I didn’t have the capacity to take on the stress of figuring it all out – so my family and friends joined together, came up with a plan and we made it work. Riley loved the revolving door of happy faces and I loved knowing she, and our home, were taken care of.
I don’t even know where to put this last one because I feel like it needs a category of it’s own – as it’s hands down the most memorable, thoughtful gesture that was done for us (ever). When we returned home from our first hospital stay – the one in which we found our we would be losing Greyson and Oliver – it was the week after Thanksgiving. Our street was already festive and lit up with holiday lights and decorations – and one of the first things I said to Mac was “I can’t even picture decorating this year but how can we not for Riley?”. It sounds so simple and stupid to have been worrying about Christmas lights when we were dealing with the impending death of our babies – but it was just one more thing I felt robbed by. Mac and I kept that conversation to ourselves and decided that maybe this year we just skip the lights and consider a tree in a few weeks. The next night – some of my family was over and I noticed some commotion outside our house. I looked out the window to see 5 of our neighborhood guy friends – each with arm fulls of lights, electrical cords, holiday plants and my favorite – two giant blow up Christmas characters. On their very own accord – without ever hearing my sad words – decided to decorate our house for Christmas. I cried for hours, possibly days at their kind and generous gesture. Each of these guys have a wife, kids, and a home of their own to decorate – and the fact that they spent a few hours decorating ours – was literally life changing. I have been doing a similar gesture for a family who lost their 3 year old son to cancer last year – and have decorated their porch for Fall.. in hopes that if even the tiniest bit of what I felt gets transferred to them.. it’s worth it.

Hospitalized Bed Rest:

There are no longer days than when you’re on extended hospitalized bed rest. The beds are uncomfortable, you’re woken up every few hours to check vitals, there are constant monitors beeping, the food isn’t exciting, and worst of all – you’re away from home. I could.not.handle being in the hospital and away from Riley. It was some of my darkest days. The doctors would always tell me that I had a powerful brain – and it seemed to prevent even the strongest sleeping meds from allowing me to sleep.. but they were right. I constantly worried about if Mac was sleeping okay in the hospital bed next to me, if Riley was awake and missing me at home, if the next ultrasound would show that one of my boys were gone. It was an awful environment for me – even though I was given the best care possible. Thankfully to my friends and family – I survived it with a little bit of love and tenderness.

Visit, visit, visit. Most hospitals have pretty flexible visiting hours and use them. Again – call before you make the trip – but there was not a single visitor I turned down. It meant the world to me. I loved having someone come sit in the room and either listen to me cry or distract me with stories about their latest work crush (thanks Kelly :)). Visitors not only helped the time pass, but they allowed me a connection with the outside world. We made sure that someone brought Riley to visit me at least once a day – and that of course, was my favorite visitor.
Make the hospital feel like home. This sounds crazy and I definitely rolled my eyes when Mac brought in an actual TV from the walls of our home into the hospital room – but it made a difference. We had a better screen – we had access to movies off our IPAD – I was eventually proud of his idea. I had my family bring me my pillow and blankets. My aunt was one second away from buying me a lamp for the room to make it seem less dingy – but we drew the line on that one : ) Two of the greatest friends in the world came and decorated my hospital room for Christmas – I had about 400 tinsel trees and tons of cute decorations to smile at. My step-mom brought a beautiful holiday plant to add to the flowers others had sent. Riley drew me pictures and we decorated the walls with them. These gestures didn’t fix the situation I was in – it didn’t make me love staying at a hospital for weeks on end – but it did make me feel loved, feel more comfortable, and a teeny bit claustrophic : ) (kidding, kinda).
GOOD FOOD! Our hospital menu was so bad that the only thing I would eat were pancakes… everything else was borderline inedible. So we were always super grateful for our friends / family who would pick up food for us, order it to our room, or best yet – bring a home-cooked meal. We were alone for Thanksgiving and I was so down from the combo of not being with my family (and Riley) and missing out on my favorite meal of the year. Laurie showed up nice and early the very next morning with best leftovers and all my sadness was instantly erased. My aunt Kim picked up a fancy steak dinner for us one night – and Mac and I joked that it was our first date night we had had in awhile. My other aunts brought tons of candy, snacks, and favorite treats to stock my room with. It’s insanely easy to order a pizza and have it delivered to a hospital or to drop off a bag of Portillos… the gesture goes a long way and I can guarantee it’s better food than any hospital could offer.
New pajamas, shampoo / conditioner, razors, sandals for the showers, and body wash= winning the lottery. My cousin Shannon brought an entire shower kit for me – our old nanny Kimberly brought new pajamas for me to sleep in – my aunts brought comfy socks and slippers. Our shower wasn’t in our room so I would have to walk down the hall… and to have a little shower caddy and sandals to wear was so helpful.
Distractions! (see above “Home Bed Rest – Keep Us Busy”)

Baby Loss:

This is one of the hardest sections to give advice on because everyone grieves, heals, yearns differently. I went through so many different stages – I would want company, then I would want to disappear. I would want to talk, then I would want to shut everyone out. I feel like that’s a common pattern of grief – it’s unpredictable. So I can imagine it’s difficult to be on the outside of this – to try to figure out the right way to support someone without knowing where their head is at on a day to day basis. I can tell you this – just support. I don’t think I will ever be the same as I was before we lost our angels. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think of them – imagine my life with them – or feel the loss of their lives. So if you’re ever curious on where my head is at – you can always fall back to this: It really never goes away. Keep supporting. Keep showing me your love. Keep acknowledging their lives. It’s just as important now as it was the day they passed. Thankfully – I am filled to the brim with some of the most loving people and their show of support has been endless.

Most importantly – acknowledge that my two sons existed. Though only a few were able to witness them in the flesh – they will forever be my children. Say their names. Ask me how I’m feeling. Tell me if you’re thinking about them. My sister Steph is so great at always telling me when she sees a sign from above.. whether it’s two deers chasing eachother on her morning run or a two butterflies flying in the yard.. she shares it with me. Do this for others.
Gifts or symbols of their lives – I am sometimes in awe at how thoughtful people have been with honoring our children. I have received jewelry – statues – plaques – memory boxes – grave decorations / stones – coffee mugs – so so many items that I keep, treasure, wear, display as reminders of my sweet angels. One of my favorite gifts was from my friend Rachael… she sent us a rosemary tree when Oliver passed away with the sweetest note. Days later she sent a second tree in memory of Greyson. It was an unexpected gift, but the symbolism and thoughtfulness behind it brought tears to my eyes for weeks.
Visits to the cemetery – my boys’ plot is the most sacred place. It’s where we laid them to rest – it’s where I can visit and connect with them. It’s a place I can publicly show my love – in the form of holiday decorations, fresh flowers, little trinkets. I have two friends who have made a few trips to visit them – one is my best friend, the other is someone I may have only met in person once or twice. But they have both visited, prayed, connected, and shared their experience with me. I don’t think there is anything that pulls at my heart strings more. The fact that they have taken time out of their day to visit a spot that half of my soul resides in – it almost always makes me speechless.
Remember dates, anniversaries and birthdays Attend memorial masses or services honoring these babies’ lives. My cousin recently attended on our memorial services at the hospital our boys were born at and it felt good to have her be a part of my community for a short period of time. Acknowledge the birthdays – my good friend Sara donated her wedding dress on our triplet’s first birthday in honor of Oliver and Greyson. It’s a gift that I’ve found myself at a loss of words over. Tomorrow, October 15th is a day in which we honor all the babies that were taken too soon. The tradition is to light a candle at 7:00pm and remember their lives. It’s a simple thing to do but can mean so much to all the parents out there who are grieving the babies they long to hold.
Continued love and support. As I mentioned – there really is no end date to grieving. It changes – but it never truly fades. The people in my life who understand that – who continue to show their love and support and encouragement – are the ones who I hold the dearest in my heart. Whether it’s a text saying that I’m doing a good job – a drop-off of cupcakes when I’m having a hard day – or just a reminder that I’m loved goes a long way. My friend Brooke sent me a candle and my friend Rachael sent me the softest robe I’ve ever worn with a note saying she hopes it provides me comfort and the hug she couldn’t give me from afar. My best friend Laura used to send me daily uplifting text messages as a way to keep me going – and her quotes are now framed and hung in our living room. This past week – I received a package in the mail with the cutest pink and blue Luluroe shirt from a college friend. The note she included said she received it in her shipment and thought of me as this month is Infant & Child Loss Awareness Month and the symbolic colors are pink and blue. I was totally taken aback by the gift and put the shirt on instantly. It’s stuff like this – a completely unexpected dose of support.

I could go on and on forever and there may be a part two to this entry – as I’m sure I’m forgetting a million things. My heart is forever grateful for all the love and support we have received throughout the years. It’s made me a better person – it’s made me want to give back to anyone in need – and it has made me feel somewhat whole.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed to our healing. And a special thank you to Susan & Pam for surprising me with the most meaningful gifts of love this week.

The Madness Between