Several months ago I launched my new photography business. I have always been passionate about photography, studied it in college, have taken several courses to fine tune my skills, and enjoy every minute of the art behind it. As I mentioned in a previous blog post – the driver for this new business launch was personal experience. The realization that photographs can be one of life’s greatest gifts – especially to those who are only left with memories of the past, not able to make more in the future. Along with my standard photo shoots – newborn, family, engagement, milestone – I offer a very special session called “Moment of Grace”. It’s a one hour session – free of charge – for delicate situations (terminal illness, stillbirth, NICU babies). Sadly, I had a few opportunities to offer this emotional gift to family members and dear friends prior to my business launch – but I’m thankful that I was able to confirm my desire to pay it forward. By giving my heart to strangers – I am turning a small portion of my own grief into something tangible. And it somehow draws me closer to my twin boys.
A few weeks ago, I was driving with my kids to Tommy’s haircut appointment and noticed I had a voicemail message from an unknown number. I played the message and instantly had a pit in my stomach. The voicemail was from the amazing Marlene Forte – founder of Angel Babies (the organization that creates angel gowns from wedding dresses – the very organization that provided our two angels with beautiful baptismal gowns the day they were born). Marlene asked that I call her back as she had somewhat of an urgent request. I called back instantly. A young lady who is a part of the Angel Baby community (by means of dress donation) had just found out that morning that her precious baby girl – at 40 weeks gestation – had passed away. She was going to be induced the following day and was hoping to have a photographer present to capture the short-time she would spend with her daughter. Without hesitation I said ‘yes’ and told Marlene to keep me posted on details. I called Mac instantly to make sure we had childcare covered and then burst into tears thinking about what this sweet family would soon endure.
Around 8:00pm that night, I received a phone call from a number my heart told me I had to answer (ironically, I was putting Tommy to bed and happened to be staring at my phone as it rang – otherwise I would have missed it since the ringer was on silent). I answered to a somber nurse stating that her patient had just delivered her baby girl and the family was requesting I make my way over to the hospital. I put Tommy in his bed, threw on a spit-up free shirt, grabbed my camera bag and was in the car within 5 minutes. The hospital is only 15 minutes away from our home but the drive seemed to take 45 minutes as my anxiety was building quickly. Would I be able to hold it together as I watched this family experience a true tragedy? Would I say the right things? Would I be the right kind of support? Would I capture the pictures they need to hold on to forever? I was starting to get overwhelmed with emotions and as I pulled into the parking lot I literally looked to the sky and pleaded “Please Ollie and Grey… please give me a sign that I should be doing this. That I’m strong enough to provide for this poor family.. that I’m meant to be in this position. Please.. I’m doing this for you two. Any sign will be good enough”. Of course lightning didn’t strike but I marched forward anyhow.. hoping my prayers were heard.
Once I arrived on the 2nd floor – I was lead to the delivery room and my stomach dropped at the familiar ‘signage’ on the door. A single rose indicating that there has been a loss. The same rose I saw on my friend Rachel’s door when she delivered her angel Sienna. Similar signage was placed on my own hospital room when we delivered the triplets – but instead I had two butterflies indicating two angels, and a bunny indicating a baby in the NICU.
(our room below)
I opened the door and introduced myself to the mom, dad, and Grandmother who were all in the room. I asked if I could meet their sweet angel and when I peered over to see her face, I looked at the mom and said “her name is Elizabeth, right?” (because I swore that’s what Marlene had told me earlier) and instead I was told “No, her name is Riley”. If my jaw could have hit the floor, it would have. That was my sign. I still have goosebumps every time I think of it.
I spent the next 2 hours with this family. Behind my lens, I watch the most beautiful moments – the most heart breaking moments – the most tender ones. I watched as an incredibly supportive family held each other up – while also surrendering to the grief. I saw a mother hold her absolutely perfect baby girl on her chest and I silently prayed for newborn breaths. I watched a dad hold his precious angel, dressed in a delicate lace angel gown, and stare at her as any father would his first baby girl. I witnessed two big brothers – one who is 4, the other who is 2 – enter the room, meet their sister, hold her and ask endless questions. That was the moment my tears could no longer be held back. No mother should have to explain to her children that their new baby sister isn’t coming home – that she went to Heaven instead. I’m included in that ‘no mother’ list and the moment was too real, too raw for me. I had that same conversation with my Riley and I am still bombarded with questions from her – and my heart breaks every single time.
That night was life changing for me and I truly have not stopped praying, thinking, grieving for this family ever since. I am forever grateful that they allowed me into the privacy of their hospital room, for letting me hold their beautiful daughter, for giving me the chance to pay it forward. When I held their daughter, I pictured her sitting with Oliver and Greyson – watching down on all of us. I can only hope my boys welcomed Riley into Heaven with big toothy smiles (like Tommy boy) and teach her how to give her mom, dad, brothers constant love, strength, and signs from above.
For anyone who is interested in donating or volunteering for Angel Babies – you can like Marlene’s facebook page below. Once you join the group, you can contact Marlene directly for dress donation, drop off info, etc. Please note that if you choose to donate a wedding dress in honor of my boys Oliver and Greyson – I offer a free photo shoot prior to dress drop off (i.e. your daughter in your dress, etc). Contact me at saraobrienphotography@gmail.com for details.
XO,
Sara
The Madness Between 