New Years Eve. A day that brings about the ultimate roller coaster of emotions. Holding onto the good. Wishing away the bad. Hopeful for what’s to come.
Growing up, my family would dress up in fancy clothes (usually my mom’s old prom dresses we would find in her hope chest) and cook a fancy meal – write in our time capsules and read the memories from years past. Once I reached high school, I was often bitter and annoyed on New Years Eve because I was still carrying on this tradition with my parents (and younger sister, Katie) but only because I had (by far) the strictest curfew of all my friends and I didn’t dare risk starting off the new year in trouble for being a minute late. In college, I had a mix of celebrations but I never truly loved the holiday until New Years Eve 2004 when I met Mac. I was invited by my cousin Shannon to a New Years Eve party at SpyBar (romantic) that year and did not know a single soul except for my cousin and her boyfriend John. I will spare the cheesy details – but I saw Mac within seconds of walking into the bar and it was love it at first sight (the cheesiness stops there because Mac was actually too intoxicated to form a complete sentence so the sparks fizzled quickly). The next day I told stories of the cute guy I met who had zero personality (little did I know..) while at the same time Mac was out a bar watching college football and floating my pic (that he secretly snapped on his camera) around his group of friends to see if anyone knew who I was. He landed upon my name and number and wah-la… history is made. For the next few years to come, New Years Eve had a new energy to it because it was the anniversary of when we met and even though we broke up a few times over the years – we never spent that holiday apart. Instead of wishing away the previous years like I had in the past, I looked forward to the countless possibilities of what the new year could bring – travel, adventures, engagement, marriage, babies.
New Years Eve has been different for the past 3 years however. I’ve found myself trying very, very hard to focus on the positives that the prior year brought but desperate for that clock to strike midnight. In 2012, we rang in the new year with some of our very favorite people at my best friend Laura’s wedding. When Mac and I kissed at midnight – we cheers’ed to 2013 being THE year. We had already been trying for baby #2 for almost a full year at that point and I was recovering from a terrifying emergency surgery that rocked our worlds. In 2013, Mac and Riley were both sick so we stayed home and watched the countdown in our comfy pajamas. I had tears in my eyes when Mac and I wished each other a “Happy 2014” because I had just found out 5 days prior that my 3rd IVF cycle failed. That year was filled with 2 surgeries, 2 miscarriages, and 3 IVF cycles. 2014 HAD to be easier, right?
New Years Eve 2014… I was pregnant with our triplet boys – but only 1 still alive and thriving. I was on strict, full-time bed rest (no activity unless I had to walk to the bathroom)… but luckily at home. Mac, Riley and I sat on the couch and watched the Netflix Kid’s Countdown at 8:00pm and we were all in bed before 9:00pm. I turned off my phone because I didn’t want to receive any “Happy New Years!” texts and I didn’t want to be tempted to scroll through social media feeds and feel even sorrier for myself. What used to be a day spent focused on how glitzy my outfit was and bets made on if Mac would remember it was our ‘anniversary’ was now such a somber day. 2014 was filled with the incredible high of finally achieving pregnancy, finding out I received the miracle of all miracles and was pregnant with triplets, watching and learning my three sons every moves within my body, and then watching two of those boy slowly die. That night when I laid in bed next to my “New Years Eve crush”, I sobbed. Why were our years getting so much harder and trumping themselves? I’ve never been naive to think that life is easy or perfect – but how much more was ahead? And the scariest part was I wasn’t convinced the hard days were behind us and I could just wish it away. We did not have any reassurance that our third son would survive and if he did, I knew I still had to go through the delivery of his brothers and our final goodbye. For the first time in 3 years, I felt torn between wishing the year away and terrified of moving into the next.
But here we are – one year later. We survived 2015. We are different people than we were in 2004, 2008, 20013, even 2014. But we’re here.
I’m overwhelmed today thinking about all that has happened in this past year and I have more words than I have time to write – so I will let pictures speak for this years’ lowest of lows and highest of highs.
January 9th, 2015 – We said goodbye to my Uncle Terry after a 8 month battle with glioblastoma. I’ve watched my cousins grieve an enormous loss and yet have never been more proud of the incredible legacy they carry in honor of their father.
January 19th, 2015 – We gave birth to Oliver, Greyson & Tommy. A day that I will never forget and one that makes my heart ache every time I think of it. We held all three of our precious boys – said goodbye to two, and goodnight to the other. In the course of one week we signed birth certificates and death certificate – and left the hospital with Tommy in the NICU and a bag of memories.
In March, 2015 – after 8 weeks in the NICU we brought home our little 3lb miracle boy Tommy. 8 weeks of traveling 40 minutes away to a NICU, watching your fragile son come close to losing his battle, tucking him away every night for the nurses to feed, rock, soothe, and pumping around the clock – alone, for a baby who is miles and miles away – is absolutely, 100% gut-wrenching and life changing. I wouldn’t wish this experience on my worst enemy but I am thankful for the lesson in taught me in true miracles.
In May 2015, we celebrated Riley as big as we could for a 4th birthday. Riley was an absolute rockstar through all of our ups and downs and she deserved one hell of a celebration. I could not love this girl more.
In June 2015, we had a memorial service for Greyson and Oliver and buried them together in their final resting spot. I can still remember the smell of the air on this day – the sound of the silence – and the pounding of my heart. It was the most devastating, yet perfect way to honor the most perfect angels.
July 2015 – We baptized our precious Tommy – another day that sent my emotions on a tailspin. It was a magical day full of love for the most precious gift of all.
In September, Riley started 4 year old preschool and has impressed us daily with how much she’s grown (socially and academically)
We were blessed to watch the the most beautiful sibling relationship develop…
This year has been filled to the brim… so much that my heart still hasn’t quite figured out how to digest it. Maybe that’s what 2016 will be for. To sink further into the reality of what has happened, where life has taken us, and who it’s shaped us to be. In one year, I’ve learned what it’s like to deliver triplets, bury two infants, be a NICU mom, a loss mom, and mother of two, how to enjoy life’s smallest pleasures and appreciate every microfiber of my children’s lives, and how to feel deep, love deep and ache deep. I learned what a toll infertility, health, and loss can take on a marriage – and how it may take a lot of therapy, blood, sweat and tears to work through it.
I’ve learned that life is complex, complicated, joyful, scary, and exciting. And I’ve learned that it’s so much bigger than just one holiday can define. So tonight, when I kiss my husband, my daughter, and my son (who just learned how to give the best sloppy kisses) – I will cheers to us surviving. Not just the past 12 months… but for surviving this life.
XO – Sara
The Madness Between 